A Little About Me

Welcome to my blog! I am an autistic woman, mother, and wife, and graduate student. I am raising four children and doing my best to function in a neurotypical world. I often feel like the proverbial square peg in a round hole. I also struggle with chronic illness. I have been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Chiari Malformation, craniocervical Instability, fibromyalgia, GERD, IBS, and GAD in addition to ASD. I would also describe myself as a liberal-minded Christian. I believe deeply in God and try to keep centered in him but I am accepting of all people. I love nature, reading, art, and cooking.

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Powers unimaginable,

come calling from above.

The unyielding force,

fills my heart with so much love.

Swishy, choppy feelings;

my mind cannot distinguish.

An obscure concept,

hangs like thick vapor between us

I try so hard to reach you!

Like swimming through mud.

If only I could feel you!

or taste your holy blood.

A heavy, choking oppression,

binds me to the earth.

How I long for your (eternal) affection,

and to feel my own rebirth.

 

© 2014

originally written in 1990

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The End of Innocence

The first sign of spring resurrects itself and the world becomes a flower, Buzzing bees, laughing children, dancing spirits flow freely. But the fervor soon loses its power.   Washed away by the tide, innocence soon drowns. Sucked in by knowledge, distortions, impulses and discomforting sounds.   Like the first fallen snow that covers the […]

The Parallel Life

Definitions of parallel:

1)      Of, relating to, or designating a line and a plane that do not intersect (mathematics).

2)      Having comparable parts, analogous aspects, or readily recognized similarities.

American Heritage Dictionary

I’ve always felt that my life as an autistic person runs in parallel to that of a neurotypical person. I’ve felt this way long before my official diagnosis. It would appear on the outset, that my life would follow an analogous path. Having a hidden disability, I appeared similar and did my best to act similar as well. I wanted the same things out of life as an NT person does: to be loved, to feel validated, to succeed in something, to be independent, and to find happiness.

However, appearances can often be deceiving. My view as an autistic person is that my life may parallel that of a neurotypical person in many ways. Yet, we never quite connect and always remain on different paths (albeit close by). It’s like standing in front of a steadily flowing river. On the other side of the river is another person (an NT). I can wave to the other person, perhaps attempt contact by throwing a stone at him or her but I can never fully connect or meet up because of the huge barrier between us. The river is that barrier.

We are parallel. The river represents the disability. It is much too deep and filled with sharp rocks. I can’t go through it but I can wave to the person on the other side and find other ways to communicate. There are many ways that I can cope and manage, but I will always travel a different path. It isn’t an inferior path, nor a superior one. It is simply different.